What it means to love?
So what it means to love can only be understood better if we know what love is at first. Love, what do I know about love or can possibly say anything about it? For I will only waste my breathe and energy but then also I am not sure if I could explain it to you, my reader, because it is the only thing in this universe that have thousands and thousands of explanation throughout history, literature, geography, philosophy, TV and even through science and all speaks volumes of it but most often than not all those definitions vary from one other. It could be because they all highlight the various aspects of love or it can be defined as how everyone perceives love in their own unique way I guess. To immortalise the very essence of that tender love in our borrowed time on Earth which is also known as life, we try to capture it through our words and photos and gifts and memories, because we all know that it will never be the exact same after a few moments and eventually it vanishes into thin air between the two human beings and they never find it, ever again.
My sincerest apologies if I had already made this piece of writing morbid, I wish if I could not make it so but the truth needed to be said out loud and that inevitable truth is, nothing is forever.
Anyway, continuing on this voyage through an untameable, never ending sea to the edge of the world, I sat to write my perception of love.
What is means to love at first sight?
Sometimes love happens at the first sight and from that moment, you know your life is going not going to be the same ever again because every night when you would go to sleep, you will end up thinking about that person and like a poison it slowly, gradually takes over every veins in your body and thoughts in your mind and what started as your favourite bed past time has suddenly become your preference in the afternoon, technically, in the middle of the day. Then it turns into the first thought in the morning and slowly becomes your companion in every moment, your mind is idle. You start to laugh all of a sudden even when no one’s around, you start dreaming about the two of you and in those imaginary situations, which would never see light of the day, you dream of being the happiest person in the world for that moment. You become infinite in a way and start to feel as if you are boundless in everything you do because your heart is no longer the same, it’s excited by the fire that is the core of all human beings, the fire where we are created from and with the right person we can also become that fire and that fire is love.
Once you are in love, your life changes because you will never see the things the way you have seen them before with a careless gaze and cold, withered heart. You start to admire the beauty in everything and as if the whole world also turns into a mystical fantasy, conjuring a perfect fairy tale just for you or so it seems. You start celebrating being alive and it also gives you a reason to be genuinely, limitlessly happy and in that moment you become the universe itself, showering love and happiness everywhere.
For those who knows not how does it feels to be in the seventh sky clearly have neither been in love nor have gotten high or yet to die.
But then comes the question, what happens to them who are in love but not have fallen in love at the first sight? Well, that’s what I am here to tell you. After all, you have just read 630 words and you are still reading forward to find out the truth about what it means to love someone.
I cannot speak for everyone in this case even though it is my duty as a writer to perceive the world as it is but when it comes to love, I can barely speak for myself so this could also be another futile attempt to shout out to the void, which would never be echoed.
However, this is the task at hand and no matter how much those five stitches hurt in the back of my head, I intend to complete this ranting.
What it means to love her?
So at first when I met this woman, she didn’t strike me as a thunder that would stun you and leave you in awe. She was just like a girl next door, who has always been there. Fate wields it so that we finally ended up in a meeting way past the introductory hellos as before. She was wearing a sky blue top with dark jeans and in a way she’s irresistible that day and she was wearing one of her creative earrings which were rare but beautiful. Her eyes were more expressive of what’s in her heart even though she only spoke about the basics. That’s the moment I realized there is so much more about her than meets the eyes or I cared to delve into. Time, gave me a few more chances to get to know her bit by bit and in that is when I fell for her.
When you fall for someone you don’t fall for that person right away like Mohammad Ali’s punch on your face and you would go down in the ring, but actually when it happens, you would not even feel a tingle. It just happens like you wake up the next day and you can’t stop thinking about that person.
At first to me, she was a like a Matryoshka doll (the Russian doll that have many dolls within it),full of mystery but the epitome of strength and all the feminine qualities that make her a woman but the more I observed her, the more aware I became of her soul or her core.
She likes to take care of everything and everyone, even though she is stern, she is affectionate. To the world at times she seemed irrational but she was doing what’s only fair. I don’t how it all happened, from being an acquaintance to waking up in the morning thinking of her. If I have to guess, maybe it was when she laughed at my jokes and would she would nod her head in approval that I am completely crazy. Or, perhaps the time when she would just look into her nails and wonder if they are fine and look completely adorable altogether. Or the time when she would be mouthing her favourite songs thinking the world wouldn’t notice and perhaps the world didn’t but I did. Or maybe every time I needed help, I knew I can reach out to her. Or the way she ties her hair every time or the way she puts a tiny clip on her hair and look completely mesmerising or the smile she used to have when she would be around me or the way she would gobble up food every time making that chewing sound or the way she carelessly forget things only to be reminded off later or perhaps it was then when she would be sarcastic to my dumb thoughts and ideas and make a me look like a complete jerk or maybe it is the other million things more.
Then the day came, when you wake up in the morning and rush into your phone to see if there would have been a miracle or that ‘special’ person if had actually dropped you a text and when you find that neither’s case, you rush into their contact to just check up on that person. Then the day begins and just to get to see that person every day you make it a habit to be present there every day, even if it takes a toll. But all that pain is paid in full or more if you get to talk to him/her or spend some time with him/her because in your heart you are completely, madly, terribly in love with that person and the rest of the world is unnoticed by it which might also include him/her too. Slowly by slowly, you start getting lost in that person. Every thought, every idea, every dream, every vision, every pizza slice, every cute date, every movie, every poem, every laugh, every joy, every food, every vacation, every bucket list item, every football game, every roadtrip, every music track, every joint or beer, even your every breathe for the rest of your life, you know, would be only perfect with that special person. In short, the very reason of your existence becomes that person. It’s like every breathe you draw, you draw to think of that person or be with that person. The best part, when you are endlessly lost in their thoughts or the idea of them you start feeling safe in both in your heart and mind. Safe from your own thoughts, anxiety, depression, self-hate, self-destructive situations inside your head, at night, which used to tuck you in your bed and would sit by you for the rest of the night but not anymore. Now, it is their thoughts that would let you sleep peacefully while they put their arms around to keep you warm and let all negative thoughts cast away. You start to feel strong and confident like before, you start to evolve into a better version of yourself because that is what love does to you.
However, if you have been matched by the same fate as the writer of this lengthy, boring and painstaking writing that you just want to finish because you have already wasted so much time on it, then the next part is for you.
What I told you above was just tip of the iceberg whatever hides under water is even more dangerous and vast.
So what it means to love someone who cannot love you back?
Re-read the good things again because it is very crucial for you to understand the depth of hurt you would endure and it doesn’t matter if the separation from that person is mutual or not. You are going to suffer irrevocably, no matter who has call the cards because what was once became the very reason of your existence is no longer yours. There is nothing in the world that you can do to change your fate. In other words, the deeper you fell for someone, the bigger the hammer that falls over you. You wake up every morning with that person’s thoughts still and to forget about them you delete all of their contacts and everything and then also you can’t stop thinking about them because they have already made a home in your thoughts, thanks to you only for letting yourself to be vulnerable to fall for that person, you think of everything you thought before but only now to wipe them off every thought, every idea, every dream, every vision, every pizza slice, every cute date, every movie, every poem, every laugh, every joy, every food, every vacation, every bucket list item, every football game, every roadtrip, every music track, every joint or beer, even your every breathe for the rest of your life. You might even start taking drugs or something to take away the pain. You lock yourself up in a room, you pretend to be fine, you put on a smile on your face but deep down you are just dying a little more every time you see that person so you start avoiding them then start avoiding every little thing that would remind you of them, you start staying at your home because you know that the world would not be same ever again and even after a lot of time passed, you will still find yourself more broken than before that even your health starts deteriorating. The things that couldn’t hurt you before will start hitting hard. The fact that person can never be in your life again would even make you faint for 7-10 minutes with 5 stitches in the back of your head. Even when you were in agonizing pain from being stitched, you can’t stop thinking about them only to be back to your senses that your misery is far from over. Then at night their thoughts come to you and what used to let you sleep peacefully would now bring a silent tear in the corner of your eyes and you start suffocating and have difficulty breathing but you cannot burst into tears because you start realizing that they are perhaps not worthy of your tears and you turn your heart into a stone which was once the very core of a fire that created the universe. What was a safe haven from your own thoughts, anxiety, depression, self-hate, self-destructive situations has now found their way back to you with more pain to hurt you. It is at that moment when you realize, why people do what they do when they are in love or hurt by it, that’s why people commit suicide in love so that they can bring an end to all that suffering.
Your life will be marked in two timelines and that would be ‘Before’ and ‘After’ them.
This is the price you pay for loving someone who cannot love you back.
But if you would hang around all this and still manage to rise and shine, know that it is not the end of line yet and there’s so many things more to appreciate life but the parts of you that went broken will never be whole again and you will always be scarred.