It’s been more than a decade that I am penning down my one-sided affection and warmth which was sheltered till now.
Probably 12 is a very tender age to realize what feelings or emotions are. At that age, one hardly understands the literal meaning of the terms ‘infatuation’, ‘crush’ or ‘obsession’. But it was you who took care of the delicate fervour when it was just in the budding stage. I still remember those glimpses and gestures in between the classes and breaks, those stupid smiles which flashed at one single glance of yours.
Your presence made my school life more exciting by increasing my attendance percentage. Those sports and dance practices with you in the organizing team gave rise to butterflies in my stomach. I sometimes tried to attract your gaze by initiating small conversation in the common group but wonder if I ever managed to fit into your thoughts. While expressing my pent-up emotions, I can clearly visualize every single day which marked an impact on my life.
Sometimes it seemed as if the tiny incidents were meant to keep the strings attached. Be it being in the same house or in the same club of school activities. I still feel immense pleasure in recalling that day when I had to take your wristband on the annual sports day. No words exchanged, just an innocent give-and-take blossomed into a lovely hue. You were never aware of those situations where I hurried to the big black gate just to catch a quick peek before the morning assembly. But the problem of being an introvert lies in the inability to open up. Be it the meeting at the bus stop or at the ground, I could never muster enough courage to speak up and thus the feelings remained enwrapped.
4 years passed by in exchanging looks and smiles and it was time for you to leave school. The well-decked fairy tale shattered into pieces and it was unbearable for me. I could never imagine the beginning of a new session without your presence in the morning assembly.
But things changed, time passed. Even social media could not manage to connect us on the same page. I don’t regret, rather feel glad in nurturing my secret admiration without any external interference. I guess this is how it was meant to be. My feelings for you is still the same as they were 12 years ago. Your thoughts are still fresh and vivid, your smile and attitude still make me blush. So what if there was no happily ever after but the mere presence of you in my subconscious mind makes me delighted.
P.S. Hope, you will never realize the love that died even before taking birth.
– Baisakhi Chakrabarty
Copyright – The Penniless Writer